⚠️ LISTENER WARNING

This episode contains a raw and detailed conversation about depression, grief, self-hatred, suicidal ideation, access to a firearm, and a specific suicide plan. It also discusses the death of someone by suicide. Some listeners may find this episode difficult or triggering. Listener discretion is strongly advised.

If you or someone you know is struggling in the United States, call or text 988 or connect through the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Conversations are confidential, and support is available anytime, day or night. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. (988 Lifeline)

🎙 HATE MYSELF

Season 23: The List

The hardest name on The List was mine.

For years, I have sat behind this microphone and asked people to tell the truth about the hardest parts of their lives.

This time, I handed the microphone to someone else.

For the first time in the history of Other People’s Shoes, Dr. Amy Watson steps into the role of host. She asks the difficult questions, and I become the guest.

There is no one else’s story for me to hide behind.

One Sunday morning at the beginning of April, something inside me began to unravel. Depression, grief, shame, and self-hatred became a downward spiral.

One week later, I was sitting in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon, confessing to my wife, Elizabeth, that I had made a plan to take my handgun and end my life.

That sentence is difficult to write.

It was even harder to say out loud.

I borrowed the title Hate Myself from NF because those two words gave language to something I had been afraid to admit.

The hardest person on my list to forgive was me.

📝 GUEST HOST INTRODUCTION

Dr. Amy Watson is a trusted friend, a previous guest of Other People’s Shoes, and the host of Wednesdays with Watson. Through her work, Amy creates honest conversations about trauma, mental health, faith, healing, and the hope that can still be found after tremendous pain. (Wednesdays With Watson)

In this episode, Amy does something no one has ever done before.

She takes my chair.

She becomes the host of Other People’s Shoes.

With compassion, understanding, and a willingness to ask questions I might otherwise avoid, Amy helps me walk back into one of the darkest moments of my life.

This time, I am the one being asked to walk honestly in my own shoes.

📝 EPISODE DETAILS

In this deeply personal conversation, Amy and I discuss:

The Sunday morning when my emotional spiral began

The depression and grief I had been carrying quietly

When suicidal thoughts became a specific plan

Sitting in a Portland hotel room and finally telling Elizabeth the truth

The fear and shame that made asking for help feel almost impossible

What it was like to struggle while continuing to encourage other people

Why I trusted Amy to take control of my show

The role my faith played while I was struggling to hold on

Why the hardest person on The List to forgive was myself

The people and promises that reminded me there were still things worth living for

This is not a polished story with an easy answer.

It is a retelling of what happened when the person who normally asks the questions finally had to answer them.

It is raw.

It is vulnerable.

It is real.

Most importantly, I am still here to tell it.

📝 BEHIND THE TITLE

The title of this episode was inspired by NF’s song “Hate Myself.”

I did not choose it simply because it sounded dramatic.

I chose it because it was honest.

During that period of my life, I was not only fighting depression. I was fighting the belief that I was a burden, a failure, and someone who could not be forgiven.

I have spent years encouraging people to believe that their stories matter.

In this episode, I have to confront the fact that I had stopped believing my own did.

📝 THE STORY BEHIND THE ARTWORK

The artwork for this episode was created for me as a gift by Amy’s friend, Hollis.

Before we began recording, Amy told me that Hollis had died by suicide.

That news forever changed the way I see this picture.

What was already a meaningful representation of Other People’s Shoes now carries a weight I cannot fully explain.

It reminds me that we do not always know what someone is carrying.

It reminds me why conversations about depression, suicide, grief, and mental health cannot remain hidden behind shame.

It reminds me that every pair of shoes holds a story, including the stories that ended before we were ready to say goodbye.

We share Hollis’s artwork with gratitude for the gift she created and with tenderness toward everyone who knew and loved her.

When I look at it now, I see a reminder that there are still people to reach for, truths to speak, steps to take, and things worth living for.

📝 MEMORABLE QUOTE

“The hardest person on my list to forgive was me, because there were moments when I truly hated myself.”

📝 CONNECT WITH DR. AMY WATSON

🎙 Wednesdays with Watson

🎧 Wisdom From Watson

🤟🏼 Hand Model

📝 LISTEN & FOLLOW OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES

Every person has a story.

Sometimes the story we most need to hear is the one someone is most afraid to tell.

Thank you for giving me the space to tell mine.

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📝 LEAVE US A REVIEW

This was the most difficult episode I have ever shared.

My hope is that telling the truth about my darkest moment will help someone else feel less alone in theirs.

If this conversation encouraged you to speak honestly, ask for help, or check on someone you love, please consider leaving a review. Your words may help another person find this episode when they need it most.

📝 Leave a Review

You may hate where you are. You may even hate yourself. But your life is still worth living.

Please stay. Your story is not over.

If you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving a review by clicking here.